


put your arms around me (hold me close)

by matchapoets



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ChanLix, M/M, Non AU, aussie line, based off of felix's one kids room bc i couldn't stop thinking abt it, felix baby boy, fluff fluff fluff, im too soft for aussies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:01:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24151726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matchapoets/pseuds/matchapoets
Summary: Felix's cuddling habit is to be expected at this point. Whenever he asks to be held, all the members happily oblige. But how come Chan finds himself the only one so out of the loop?
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 13
Kudos: 439





	put your arms around me (hold me close)

**Author's Note:**

> based off of felix's one kids room! i am here to spread the felix baby boy agenda
> 
> also a quick side note: pretend skz dorms are in the jyp building bc i didnt think abt it until i was editing & it makes more sense for some scenes anyway. i also tried to stick to 2018 roommate assignments (even tho this is technically levanter era & they hav diff roommates now), but i think i placed people in the wrong room, so just ignore if dorm descriptions don't line up w/ reality asfjkls
> 
> 200712 edit: on today’s fanmeeting vlive chan said that he sometimes sleeps together w/ felix in the same bed so nice to see that cuddling chanlix is canon now & basically so is this fic bc they went from never cuddling during levanter era to this so bye i’m gonna go cry now
> 
> i hope you enjoy! <3

“Oh, if Felix says something serious,” Changbin started, making sure he was looking at the various cameras situated in front of the eight of them. “Then later that night…” he continued, looking in Chan and the others’ direction, looking a little sheepish as he trailed off.

“He has to sleep hugging that person,” Seungmin finished Changbin’s thought, sitting on the back of the couch with his arms wrapped around Jeongin’s shoulders. The others immediately caught onto his wavelength, and Hyunjin jumped in to add something while Chan sat back, not following completely.

As the conversation continued with different anecdotes of Felix’s apparent habit of cuddling and falling asleep passed back and forth between Hyunjin, Seungmin, Changbin, and the others, Chan furrowed his eyebrows. Everyone around him was agreeing heartily, but Chan felt strangely out of the loop.

“That’s interesting,” he said under his breath. The conversation had died down enough that the others heard, and turned to him. “I’ve never seen Felix doing something like that before,” he elaborated.

“Oh really? I’ve seen it so much,” Hyunjin replied nonchalantly.

“I don’t think he does that to you,” Seungmin replied to Chan, and Chan ignored the weird prickly feeling in his chest at the words. Shooting this study of each of the members today had made him think deeper and be more grateful about the way each of them interacted with each other, but as the leader he certainly hadn’t expected to hear anything completely new either.

His members started teasing him at his confusion, and Chan smiled goodnaturedly as he brushed their playful comments off. The conversation continued without him, shifting into another talking point for the sake of the cameras. Chan probably should have been engrossed in the shoot, but the idea of Felix not trusting him enough to cuddle with him like he did with the others was a possibility still lingering in the back of his mind.

It really shouldn’t have mattered that much. He’d adored Felix since the boy had first flown in from Australia, with a deep voice that didn’t match his button-like facial features and the huge smile he’d worn at the huge relief from learning Chan was also born and raised in Sydney. Chan knew without a doubt that Felix adored him as well; after all, it had been years now that they had spent laughing and spending time together. Chan always made sure the younger knew about all of his best qualities when Felix felt upset as well, from the way his limbs flowed like water when he danced to the star-like freckles that were splashed onto his cheeks. Chan had come to pride himself on their relationship, borne from their shared nationality but later growing into something he cherished.

Though as he thought of it now, Felix hadn’t come to him for cuddles recently. Chan was happy he was close to the other members now, happy that his group was close enough to trust each other without him having to act as a buffer like he did in their trainee days, but still. Chan couldn’t shake the feeling of being wronged somehow.

“Are you good?” Jisung asked, clapping Chan on the back after the shoot was over. They’d already bowed and thanked the staff for their work, and now each boy was taking turns changing and getting ready to head back to the dorm. Chan hadn’t spoken as much since the shoot finished, lost in his thoughts. Jisung was always caring though, and noticed Chan’s moods even before Chan did sometimes, so Chan reassured him with a nod and smile.

“Yeah, just thinking,” Chan answered and Jisung hummed in agreement, laying down on the couch Chan was sitting on so his head was resting on Chan’s lap. Chan’s hand fell into Jisung’s hair and began playing with the strands absentmindedly as Jisung began singing lightly. 

Skinship with Jisung and the others came so naturally to Chan that he hadn’t even noticed his easy adjustment to it, but watching his hand run through the blond pieces of hair peeking out from under Jisung’s beanie had made him only fall deeper into his thoughts. Looking around at the others, he could see it everywhere: Changbin and Hyunjin were laying on a mat on the floor, their heads pressed together so they could both watch something on his phone, and Minho and Seungmin were sitting against the wall, their legs outstretched and playing with each other’s feet while they talked. Felix was changing and so was Jeongin at the moment, a fact that Chan had kept in mind when they left the room, as counting his members and knowing their whereabouts seemed ingrained in him when he was given his leader position.

Any of the boys would have been fine if Chan walked up and hugged them. So why was Chan’s heart aching so much in that moment to do exactly that with only a certain one of them?

“I want ramyeon,” Jisung sighed, looking up to meet Chan’s eyes. “Do you want to stop by the convenience store?”

“Hell yeah,” Chan agreed. He shook off the strange feeling of uneasy weightlessness that had settled in his chest while his mind had conjured up the idea of hugging Felix. Maybe Jisung was right; the sun was setting, they were tired from the shoot, and a good stash of convenience store snacks to eat as it got dark sounded perfect to get his mind off of things.

“Me and Channie are going to get snacks, who wants some?” Jisung announced, sitting up to reach for his phone and start making the shopping list. Chan laughed at the chorus of ‘me!' that rang within seconds as Seungmin and Minho rushed over, ready to list their favorites so Jisung would make sure to get them.

Chan’s smile widened at their antics as he felt a little soft looking at his boys, proud that they functioned so well together. He adored them all. He pushed the thoughts that had been lingering since the shoot into the back of his mind, deciding that he was sure whatever he was feeling about Felix would definitely be gone soon enough.

He didn’t know yet how wrong that assumption was.

\---

Chan walked out of his room, still only really half awake.

His alarm on his phone had gone off blaring at the soul-crushing time of 6 am, and he had sighed as he got dressed and brushed his teeth, squinting as he looked at his phone’s screen that was still too bright for this early in the morning. 

Waiting for their manager to pick them up and take them to the day’s schedule always made the living room a display of how tired they were. Seungmin was dressed and sitting on the couch, laying down with his head on the headrest and staring into the space in front of him with a dazed expression. Hyunjin was asleep where he sat on the other end of the couch, and Changbin greeted Chan through a pat on the shoulder as he trudged across the room, probably heading to the kitchen for something to snack on for breakfast. 

Chan had already sat down on the floor since Seungmin’s body was taking up space on the couch and began looking through his phone mindlessly when Felix walked out. 

“Seungminie,” Felix called quietly, his voice raspy from just waking up. He was wearing gray sweatpants and a black jacket that had been passed around enough times that no one could recall who originally owned it, and his blond hair stuck up, fluffy from sleep. The boy he’d called for only acknowledged him by shifting on the couch, moving his legs to make room as Felix sat next to him.

“Hug me please,” Felix said, and Seungmin sighed, scooting farther up onto the armrest and curling into himself to make more room on the couch, pulling Felix down to lay next to him. Felix hadn’t meant to make his request sound cute, but because he was trying to be quiet for the sake of the sleeping members, his voice had come out tiny.

“Good morning hyung,” Felix waved at Chan once he had gotten comfortable laying on Seungmin, and Chan felt distinctly like he’d been caught. He hadn’t realized he’d had his eyes on the whole exchange until Felix was staring right at him. Chan schooled his expression into a smile, waving at him in greeting. 

Felix smiled at Chan, but Chan was focused on the way Seungmin’s hand had fallen over Felix’s shoulder and Felix had grabbed onto it, his thumb wrapped around Seungmin’s fingers in a way that was reminiscent of a baby. Seungmin’s leg was wrapped over Felix’s as well so their limbs were entangled, and Chan didn’t know why, but a pressure in his chest had started to build at the sight.

“No good morning for me?” Seungmin asked, tired but his lips still turned up a little into the shape of a teasing smile.

Chan didn’t know why. He couldn’t think of a reason—Seungmin and he hadn’t had any disagreements yesterday, and today was only just starting—but his patience with the younger boy felt a little thinner this morning than usual. Chan pushed away the irrational feeling and gave a good morning as requested.

Later as they headed to the car, Chan tried to stand close to Felix in order to sit next to him, but he was separated by Hyunjin in between the two of them as they settled into the backseat. Before the car had even gotten onto the highway to the filming studio, Felix had his head against Hyunjin’s shoulder with his eyes closed, and Hyunjin was laying his head on top of Felix’s, the two of them catching an extra moment of sleep. Feeling a little cheated, Chan looked out the window at the sky and watched as it lit up and welcomed the morning, the sun brightening the world with a much happier mood than Chan was currently feeling.

\---

“Okay where’s Changbin? Really now, it’s been thirty minutes,” Chan complained, his laptop propped up on the desk in one of the smaller practice rooms they usually took over while producing, the track he was playing around with blaring through speakers.

Jisung just shook his head, taking a sip of water from the bottle he’d brought. He reached for the laptop again, beginning to adjust the clip they were working on and replaying it with the new sound added.

“What about this? I think it compliments the bass line more,” Jisung was saying and normally Chan would listen, but his focus wasn’t where it should have been. 

Changbin might have been late, but it wasn’t a valid reason for Chan to be upset. When the three of them met to produce they always set a vague timeframe, since they’d figured out over the years that all of them didn’t mind extra time to work alone or in a pair while they waited for all of them to arrive. Chan usually was fine with that, but his patience had been more trying the past few days. Besides, though Jisung and Chan had been trying to find the exact element this particular track was missing, both of them knew what it needed most was Changbin’s fresh perspective. The tracks never were quite as complete when all three of them hadn’t been able to provide their input.

“I’m gonna find him,” Chan stood up suddenly and Jisung paused where he was talking. Chan felt guilty immediately, knowing his thoughts had run away and he hadn’t realized that he cut off Jisung. He placed his hand on Jisung’s shoulder and patted it to apologize.

“I’ll be right back. It sounds better with that, really. I did hear it when you played it the second time,” Chan winces as he speaks, hoping Jisung didn’t think Chan hadn’t been paying attention to his input at _all_. “I’m just gonna bring Changbin so he can look at it.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it!” Jisung said, giving him a forgiving smile. Chan only felt worse; Jisung’s patience was always endless, to the point that Chan felt the urge to ask him not to be so nice when it wasn’t deserved.

Chan reached for Jisung’s hand where it was resting on the desk, giving it an apologetic squeeze. Jisung returned it, comforting Chan further before he slipped away to look for their missing member.

After taking the elevator up to the floor where their dorm was located, Chan slipped in and scanned his surroundings. The dorm living room was empty, so Chan automatically steered into the next most likely location, the room he and Changbin slept in, but two easily recognizable laughs caught him in his path. One of them was definitely Changbin, and when a “no, stop!” floated out from behind a different closed door, accompanied by giggling, Chan realized where his fellow producer was.

He opened the door to Felix’s room and caught the two of them. They were sitting on the single bed with Changbin’s back against the wall and Felix laying in his lap, writhing as Changbin tickled him playfully. Felix was still giggling when Changbin caught sight of Chan, the youngest having slid down Changbin’s body and burying his face into Changbin’s stomach in his attempt to escape his tickling fate. Felix whined in protest and there was a pause as Changbin chuckled, stopping his pestering and petting Felix’s hair fondly before addressing Chan.

“Do you need me down there now?” Changbin asked in good spirits. He wasn’t expecting Chan to be upset, especially when Chan had done this before to both him and Jisung probably just the week prior.

“Um, yeah? We should’ve met… forty minutes ago now,” Chan said as he quickly glanced at the time on his phone. The smile on Changbin’s face melted away and the usual trickling of guilt was beginning to set in for Chan, but he stood his ground, knowing what he was saying wasn’t untrue. 

Felix twisted and sat up, his hand still holding onto Changbin’s. Chan’s eyes went straight to their interlocked fingers even as Felix began to speak.

“Are you mad, hyung? It’s my fault I kept him back, we were talking,” Felix said, and his eyes were wide in that innocent look he wore often without knowing. Chan’s resolve melted in front of the younger and he opened his mouth to speak and take back his standoffish attitude.

“It’s not your fault, Lix, I lost track of time,” Changbin spoke first, wrapping his arms around Felix and pulling him closer. Chan turned around, the same twisted feeling appearing again as he decided he didn’t want to watch them anymore.

“Just come down now please,” Chan finished before he walked out of the room, not waiting for Changbin to catch up. 

He left the dorm as fast as he could, illogical anger setting in as his feet took him to the elevator and back to the floor Jisung was waiting for him on. He changed his mind as the room they were supposed to be working on came into view, the door still ajar from where he left it. Chan decided he didn’t want to face Jisung and Changbin quite yet and stopped abruptly, turning and heading into the restroom close by. 

The door behind him closed and Chan let out a frustrated huff of air. The guilt was bothering him like a tight knot pushing on his chest and he slid his back against the bathroom door, staring at the tile that had already been mopped for the day and the swung open doors of the empty stalls ahead of him. He sat for a second with his knees tucked in, pressing his palms against his eyes, trying to relieve some of the pressure there caused by his mess of emotions that had only worsened at the sight of Felix and Changbin playing and cuddling.

_This isn’t being a good leader. This isn’t you._

Chan’s thoughts raced, bouncing in his mind in the way he hated. There hadn’t been cause for Chan to fix any disputes between the members in so long; the group functioned like a well-oiled machine now. Everyone was courteous and knew each other’s boundaries after living together for so long, and they could evaluate for themselves if they were lacking and needed to work by themselves, whether it was on choreography, singing, or rapping. Chan had spent so long acting as the mediator that the necessity for the role had fallen away as the problems became few and far between. So why suddenly was _he_ the problem?

Watching Felix doting on the others seemed to take a taut string inside of him and make it snap, and he didn’t know why it worked him up so badly. Chan had always known the younger loved him, but there was a deeper, almost jealous need in him now for more of it. Chan couldn’t understand for the life of him why his emotions were such a mess all of a sudden when it came to the younger boy.

When Chan finally returned, he only felt worse about it too. Changbin and Jisung paused in the midst of a joke, and Chan could practically read in the quick shift in the atmosphere that they were wondering if they would need to walk on eggshells around him. Chan hated it. They were his producing team; he’d spent hours with them working and trusted them more than anyone. They should be the last people that he was upsetting.

“Sorry,” Chan said lamely, not able to think of anything better. Changbin leaned back in his chair and when Chan saw that he was smiling he knew he was already forgiven, despite the fact that he probably didn’t deserve it. 

“You can tell us something if you need to, you know,” Changbin said, staring at Chan directly. Changbin had been taken aback upstairs when Chan first scolded him, but he was standing his ground now too. Jisung was looking back and forth between the two of them a little bewildered from not knowing what had occurred, but Chan knew Jisung agreed with Changbin. 

The words were flashing in his mind and Chan had them at the tip of his tongue, the ones explaining that when he saw Felix he had an irrational need to hug him, and he was annoyed whenever he saw him cuddling with someone else, but a sinking feeling was building as he let them sink in. Chan realized with a shock that he didn’t need to tell Changbin and Jisung anything; he was pretty certain he now had a clear idea of what he was feeling. Panic was settling in him though, as he also realized he wasn’t sure what to do about this development.

“It’s alright. Let’s just work on the track,” Chan said to avoid the questions starting to pop up in his brain. He stepped around Changbin to sit in between the two of them, and reached out for his laptop, ready to focus on the track and not the image in his mind of a certain Australian boy. The other two huddled in closer to Chan and he played the track hastily, focusing on listening to the work he had abandoned and finding a way to improve it. He was finding it hard to do however, as his heart beat a mile a minute.

_Do I really… like him?_

\---

“Channie hyung?”

Chan shot awake, lifting his head too quickly and hitting it on the edge of his laptop by accident. He groaned, and held a hand to the top of his head where it was beginning to throb, turning to see the owner of the voice.

Felix was standing there, eyes half-lidded in the way they usually were when he was tired. Even as Chan turned and fumbled to check the time on his phone that lay abandoned on the desk, his heart was racing at the sight of the younger boy.

“It’s five in the morning,” Felix said quietly and Chan sighed, cringing at the knowledge that morning would arrive all too soon and abandoning his effort to grab his phone. Chan’s eyes turned to the laptop that was still on, his producing software still brightly displayed. Changbin, Jisung, and Chan had been working late into the night on new tracks for the past week, and today Chan had decided to stay just a little longer after the other two retired for bed. Evidently however, he had fallen asleep while working. 

“Why are you still up?” Chan asked as he turned around to face his visitor. Felix shook his head, shrugging off the question, as he stepped closer to Chan’s chair. Chan was sure his heart skipped a beat as Felix tapped his shoulder.

“Just gaming,” Felix answered finally after a moment’s hesitation, making his tone nonchalant. Chan gave him a pointed glance that Felix looked away from. Felix gaming this late into the night usually only meant one thing, and it wasn’t great.

“Come on, let’s go upstairs,” Chan said softly, standing up. He picked up his laptop and debated it for half a second before he reached for Felix’s hand, gently pulling him out of the room and shutting off the light as they left. 

Felix’s hand was soft in his, and Chan was trying very hard not to focus on that fact as Felix let himself be led into the elevator. There was a comfortable silence between them as they slowly moved floors, mostly from exhaustion. Chan tried to ignore the urge to look at the other but eventually lost, glancing quickly and watching Felix sigh as he stared at the floor of the elevator. 

They returned to the dorm and Chan was about to let Felix wander off back to his gaming before a different idea came over him. Chan reached for Felix’s hand and twisted the younger’s body around so he faced him. With Chan’s newfound knowledge about what he was probably feeling towards Felix, he hadn’t spoken to him one-on-one in the past week if he could help it. This was a different situation though, and Chan was trying to ignore that with the lights dimmed and the other boys asleep in their respective rooms, the two of them alone in the common room felt strangely intimate.

“Do you have a lot on your mind?” Chan asked in English. Though Felix was plenty fluent in Korean now, he still felt better expressing his emotions in his native language, and after so many years of the two of them switching to the language they use back home, Chan was sure it was a habit they weren’t going to break. Felix sighed as he heard the words and knew he wasn’t going to avoid his leader’s care.

“It’s nothing important. Just something I keep feeling and I don’t really know what to do about it,” Felix answered, staring at his feet. He had pulled his hand out of Chan’s grasp, and that combined with the fact that Felix was making an effort to avoid Chan’s eyes made Chan’s heart ache.

By the tone of Felix’s voice Chan knew he wasn’t going to elaborate, but that was alright. A different way of comforting Felix had come to him, and Chan was immediately scared to ask. He thought back on the words his members had said before about the way Felix had searched for comfort with them, and though he hadn’t done it with Felix before, Chan thought it might be worth a shot.

“Lay down with me?” Chan asked, trying to keep his voice steady and ignore the way his heart beat felt louder in his ears. Felix looked up at him, and Chan could see the surprise and maybe a hint of relief in his eyes. 

“Okay,” Felix agreed shyly, smiling so his teeth showed cutely. An unavoidable reality settled over Chan that he _definitely_ had a crush on him and that cute smile. There was no denying it now.

They headed to Chan’s room, one of the smaller ones with only a single bunk bed. Ignoring Changbin asleep on the top bunk, Chan sat down on his bed and laid against the wall to make room as Felix climbed in next to him, laying down.

Chan ignored his heart leaping in his chest as he pulled Felix into his arms, the younger one giggling silently as he slid across the bed so his back was pressed against Chan. Chan was praying Felix couldn’t feel how nervous he was as he squeezed him once before relaxing his arms. Felix hummed quietly, satisfied with the skinship.

“Cold,” Felix whispered then, wriggling out of Chan’s arms to pull the blanket that had been neglected near their feet over them. Chan smiled as Felix twisted in his arms so he faced him, the blanket covering them now.

Felix felt for Chan’s hand under the blanket and laced their fingers together, making Chan’s heart jump again. Chan wrapped him in his arms again, feeling content as Felix scooted impossibly closer, ducking his head into Chan’s collarbone and rubbing his hair against his skin a few times before he found a comfortable position. Chan thought his heart was going to leap out of his throat at this point.

“Thank you,” Felix muttered sleepily. Chan rested his chin on top of Felix’s head and relaxed, trying to ignore the way his heart had seemingly swelled with adoration for this boy next to him. Felix’s breaths evened out as he found sleep easily. Chan knew his insomnia wouldn’t let him do the same, but he felt impossibly happy with Felix just laying here with him. The tight ball of his emotions that had seemed to control him the past few weeks was untangling itself in his chest, finally letting him breathe again.

Though it still took a while, Chan was content until he was lulled to sleep by the sound of Felix’s breathing.

\---

The first small letdown was when Chan woke up and Felix was nowhere to be found.

“Oh, he’ll tease me when I wake up. And he’ll keep you there too, because most of the time he still wants cuddles.”

“Yeah! He’s even more cuddly in the morning, don’t you think?” 

Minho and Jeongin were discussing as if waking up with Felix in their arms was a common occurrence, and Chan felt increasingly like he shouldn’t have asked the others about it while the boy in question was away for his solo schedule. Chan knew it was partly because of the feelings he was secretly harboring, but he couldn’t help but feel part of it was also because Felix purposely snuck out while he slept to avoid him.

The second small letdown was when the day of their flight to Japan.

“Where are Seungmin and Felix?” Chan asked in the morning, counting off everyone as they ate breakfast seated around the table in their common room.

“Felix slept with Seungmin yesterday,” Jeongin answered as he slurped the last of his noodles, passing on the knowledge as Seungmin’s roommate. Chan nodded in acknowledgement, trying to ignore the way his heart seemed to harden at the response and looking down so his face didn’t betray him.

He patted Jeongin’s head in thanks as he got up, going to wake the two missing members. He was still hoping at least a little that what Minho and Jeongin had told him days ago about Felix staying in bed even after he would wake up to cuddle wasn’t true, but Chan knew the truth would probably make that hope useless.

Chan knocked on the door once before opening it, finding the two boys laying on the bed with their arms around each other. Chan could remember the night he had slept with Felix like that clearly, and hated that he saw red because Seungmin was in that same position now. 

“Just five minutes more,” Felix whined after Chan shook them awake and reminded them to get ready. Seungmin was rubbing at his eyes as he fumbled for his glasses, trying to wriggle out of Felix’s grasp to no avail; the younger boy had his arms wrapped around Seungmin like he was a teddy bear. The reminder that Chan didn’t have a similar experience of Felix doing that to him hurt a little.

Chan turned away before he showed his true feelings written on his face, trying to focus on something else by going over the flight details in his head. It was hard though, especially when he could hear Seungmin’s next words clearly as the door shut behind him.

“C’mon Lix, I cuddled you for twenty minutes yesterday. We have to get ready.”

Later after they’d gone through all the airport security and had finally boarded the plane, Felix was seated next to Minho. The two of them were clearly in Chan’s sight from his seat, and he tried not to let it get to him that Felix fell asleep with his head on the older boy’s shoulder easily.

The third and last letdown was when they were practicing.

“Okay, break!” Chan said finally and all of them exclaimed gratefully, in various states of getting a drink of water, stumbling over to the couches against the walls of the practice room, or just collapsing where they stood on the dance floor.

Felix was sitting on the couch, reaching for a snack out of his bag. Chan made his way over quickly, recognizing the familiar Australian chocolate brand’s snack bag in an instant. It was a godsend that both of their parents sent packages of snacks on occasion; the two Australians treated the packages like treasure when their contents were so often absent from Korean grocery stores’ shelves.

“My Tim Tams!” Felix protested, pulling the bag into his chest as he saw Chan approaching to no doubt take some from him. Chan laughed and sat down next to Felix, holding his finger up to ask for just one.

Felix grinned and pulled one of the chocolates out, moving his hand in a way that looked like he was going to feed it to Chan. Chan opened his mouth wide in anticipation but Felix immediately circled his arm around and dropped the candy into his own mouth instead. Felix let out a shriek of laughter at Chan’s disappointed face and Chan lunged, wrapping his arms around Felix to grab the bag and steal a treat for himself instead since Felix wouldn’t give one willingly.

“Ah, let go of me!” Felix shouted loudly, enough to get the room’s attention, and shrugged his shoulder to shake Chan off. 

Chan knew Felix wasn’t really mad at him, but he let him go like he had just touched something hot, sitting back quickly to put space between the two of them, his response quick from the shock of rejection. Felix never pushed any of them away, and the fact that he had ordered it loudly meant everyone was watching. Felix looked acutely aware of everyone’s eyes trained on them as his face heated up, looking at Chan who was watching him with similar wide eyes guiltily.

“You’re all sweaty,” Felix gave as a lame excuse after a moment’s silence. He quickly pulled out a chocolate and held it out to Chan as he dropped his gaze. Chan was trying to ignore the way his whole body seemed to shiver in embarrassment at the rejection as he took the chocolate hastily, shoving the treat in his mouth but not savoring the taste like he usually would. Felix didn’t care if you were sweaty, he hugged you anyway. Everyone knew that.

“Maybe we should go over the fast part again, Chan?” Hyunjin asked from across the room, trying to lighten the awkward tension that had blanketed itself over the group. No one was looking at Chan and Felix and the two boys had frozen where they were, seated a safe distance apart on the couch. Chan felt his ears heating up and no doubtedly turning bright red as he stood up, grateful for Hyunjin’s obvious distraction.

But even as his body ached after repeating the same movements over and over to perfect them, and he focused on watching everyone to match the power and angle of their moves, he couldn’t forget the way Felix had pushed him away.

\---

After the humiliation of the past few weeks, Chan decided it was best to just avoid Felix. That would be the best way to forget his feelings for the younger one, he figured, especially when Felix clearly didn’t feel the same. Chan just had to look away whenever Felix smiled and his eyes glittered, had to ignore the way his heart seemed to forget how to beat when he heard his deep voice or his laugh ring from across the dorm, had to calm his jealousy when Felix snuck into yet another member’s bed for cuddles…

Yeah, his plan wasn’t really working so far. But Chan had already decided to follow it anyway.

He was in this state of denial when he arrived from another late night of producing and headed to the kitchen to ease his hunger, He hadn’t expected to find Felix sitting there with his phone propped against a water bottle, the sounds of an anime playing quietly. Chan panicked, deciding to forget his snack and escape before Felix caught sight of him. He turned on his heels, but was stopped.

“Wait, Channie hyung! Wait,” Felix said, followed by the sound of a phone sliding and hitting the kitchen table and a curse under his breath. Felix had no doubt knocked it over, which was strange since he wasn’t usually clumsy. Chan turned and saw Felix looking at him with wide eyes. His phone was out of sight, seemingly in his pocket after its abuse.

“Why are you still up?” Chan asked. The thought that this exchange so far was achingly similar to the one and only night Felix had fallen asleep next to him had come to him, and Chan ignored the way it made his heart ache. Felix gulped visibly.

“I was waiting for you, actually,” Felix admitted. Chan felt taken aback as Felix looked down at the kitchen table, his admission making him too shy to maintain eye contact.

“If you weren’t back in an hour, I was going to go check on you.”

Chan felt his heart skip a beat hopefully. It was one thing for Felix to notice Chan was gone while he was already up gaming, but to stay up purely for him? It was suspicious. It was also very sweet, to the point that Chan knew he was only going to have worse feelings for the boy if he dwelled on it.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Chan said, the words laced with surprise. Felix cleared his throat, clearly embarrassed. He was picking at his fingers unconsciously, trying to do something with his hands to get rid of his embarrassment.

“I wanted to. Actually-”

“Why did you push me away that one time? While we were practicing?”

Chan’s question came out blurted, cutting Felix off so he looked up at Chan with the expression of a deer caught in headlights. Chan hadn’t necessarily been planning to ask, but his mouth was ahead of his brain on that front.

Something about the atmosphere of them being alone once again late at night in the dorm was too much for Chan to handle. His thoughts had been racing the past few weeks, and every time Felix had pushed him away or clearly favored the others over him, he found himself only more desperate for a reason why. 

“The others say you sleep with them a lot, but you’ve only done that once with me. And they say you’re still there in the morning. And you cuddle with them a lot more than you do with me,” Chan continued, figuring he might as well dig his hole further now that he’d gotten started, his eyes avoiding Felix’s as he tried to ignore his racing heart and the younger’s bewildered expression.

The words felt strange out in the open instead of being confined to inside his mind. A terrible embarrassment was settling over him, because what if he was just overreacting? The silence was becoming more tense by the second too, only confirming his suspicions. Chan was starting to wonder if he should just escape while he still could.

“Are you really upset about that?” Felix finally asked carefully. Chan gathered the courage to look up and meet his eyes. Felix had a small smile on his lips, immediately making Chan confused.

“I was actually going to tell you something. It’s the same reason I… push you away,” Felix said, looking down again. Chan felt a little like he was being stabbed with the admission that Felix had indeed been avoiding him on purpose. Chan found himself glad now that the kitchen table was in between them, because he didn’t know if he could take being much closer to Felix with his emotions and thoughts going haywire.

Felix looked nervous, clearing his throat again. Chan saw the tension in his body language and his protective instinct kicked in, stronger over the mess of feelings running through him.

“You can tell me, whatever it is. Nothing you say is going to make me upset.”

Felix stilled for a moment at Chan’s words, then looked up. Chan read the panic in his eyes still, but there was a newfound determination too.

“I think I like you?”

As soon as the words were out of Felix’s mouth, he looked back down immediately. Chan wondered if the world had suddenly stopped spinning. Did he hear that right?

“I like you... and that’s why I didn’t cuddle you as much as the others. Because I was scared you would realize if I did,” Felix said more carefully this time. Chan felt like he had forgotten how to function. He exhaled harshly, not having realized he had been holding his breath while Felix was speaking.

Felix licked his lips and searched Chan’s face for a reaction, looking increasingly more worried. Finally Felix stood up quickly as he stammered out something to fill the silence, and Chan realized not saying anything had probably given Felix the completely wrong impression.

“It’s totally fine if you don’t feel the same, actually I’m sure you don’t. I just thought it wasn’t fair to myself or to you to not be honest and at least try. But like I said, it’s totally fine-”

“I think I like you too.”

It was Felix’s turn to freeze mid-ramble, dropping his hands from where he had been picking at them. He looked at Chan a little dumbfounded, and Chan smiled widely, his heart still racing as the situation finally sank in. This boy in front of him, the one he had been going crazy over for weeks, felt the same about him.

“What?” Felix said finally, and Chan laughed. The laughter seemed to tear away at the last of Felix’s shock and he let out a nervous giggle too.

“Do you really…?”

“Yeah, I do.”

Felix jumped a little where he stood, the grin still on his face. Chan felt like his heart was going to burst at the other’s excitement.

“What do we do now? What do we tell the others?” Felix said as he stopped jumping, looking like his mind was racing. The direction this had gone in was so unlike what he must have been expecting, and Chan was so endeared he didn’t think he could handle another moment without Felix in his arms. 

He walked around the kitchen table and Felix sat back in his seat, staring up at Chan once they were closer, his eyes glittering in the way Chan adored. Chan’s heart was racing again as he wrapped his arms around him, feeling distinctly like he was melting as Felix’s arms snaked around his waist and tightly squeezed, as if he was afraid to let go. Chan reached one hand to pet Felix’s hair, reveling in its softness and the way the boy fit against him. His heart beat seemed to reverberate throughout his whole body, but instead of hoping Felix wouldn’t feel it, he wished for the opposite; it would be proof to the younger exactly what he felt for him.

_He really does like me too._

Chan felt over the moon.

“We can do whatever you want, Lix,” Chan said. Felix pulled back and found Chan’s hands, lacing their fingers as they had done a hundred times before, but this time it felt completely new. Felix’s hands were soft against his, and Chan was sure he had never wanted to hold onto anything as much as them. 

Felix smiled up at him and Chan couldn’t help smiling too.

\---

“Lix, can you get the glass of water I left in the kitchen, please?” Chan asked as he joined the others at the table. Everyone besides him had already sat down and they were focused on him and the platter of tteokbokki he was carrying as he sat down next to Felix.

“Sure hyung,” Felix said brightly as Chan set the platter down. Everyone was about to exclaim excitedly at the appearance of the food, but Chan quickly found his attention torn away from the platter when Felix placed a finger under Chan’s chin and gently turned his face, placing a sweet kiss on Chan’s lips.

There was a shocked silence. Chan felt his heart speed up as it usually did when they kissed but more so with everyone there as Felix pulled away, smiling smugly at his boyfriend.

“Did he just…?” Jeongin asked incredulously, but he was cut off by Jisung and Changbin’s outburst.

“Damn it!” Jisung said, pulling off his cap and throwing it on the floor, putting his head in his hands as Changbin began to cackle.

“You owe me 60,000 won!” Changbin exclaimed. Everyone immediately burst into laughter as they realized they were witnessing the outcome of a bet.

“Hey! What the hell did you bet on?” Chan asked. Felix had returned with his glass of water and sat down next to Chan, pulling him into his arms with a smug confidence now that he had outed them to his friends, dropping a kiss on the top of Chan’s head. Everyone had forgotten about the plate of tteokbokki in light of the new development.

“When you guys would tell us!” Jisung explained sorrowfully over the fact that he had to part with his money and his pride. Chan and Felix stared at him, equally dumbfounded expressions on their faces.

“I told you they would do it sooner! You have no faith whatsoever,” Changbin argued.

“Well maybe I thought for once something between all of us would stay private for a little while!”

“Hey, so you guys knew about this and never told us? Do you want to die?” A new voice rang in between the two rappers’ bickering, and everyone turned to see Minho pointing an accusatory finger at both of them, wearing a grin that betrayed the delight of hearing about his friends’ relationship rather than the anger he was playfully going for.

As the members began to bicker more, Chan felt Felix’s voice low next to his ear. The accompanying rush of his heart beat was no longer a dreaded thing. Instead, Chan had come to cherish the effect Felix had over him, and the way he seemed to have the reverse effect too.

“So I think they took it well?” Felix asked. Chan looked up at him and grinned.

“Yeah, I think so too,” Chan replied. Felix kissed him quickly again, but they both turned around at the shouting of a new voice rising louder than the others.

“Hey! Just because we’re happy for you doesn’t mean you can act all like a couple in front of us!” Jeongin shouted. Everyone laughed again, and Chan and Felix found themselves with a new riot of voices directed at them and their public affection.

“Okay, okay,” Chan conceded, sitting up. Felix kept his arms wrapped around him and Chan placed his hands over Felix’s, adoring the way they were small enough to be fully engulfed in his own. Felix had been nervous to tell everyone, but judging by the grins on everyone’s faces at his surprise confession, his worries had been for naught. Chan had reassured him endlessly, but he was proud he had always known it would happen this way.

With his members around and Felix next to him, Chan’s heart swelled at this newfound, comfortable happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> i found skz during quarantine & tho i'm a baby stay they 100% stole my heart, so u can def expect more skz content from me in the future if u enjoyed this! 
> 
> thank you so much for reading! hav a wonderful day or night, wherever u are <333


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